I know its been too long since I've posted anything. This summer has been difficult, as excpected. I'm anxious to go back to school in a week and a half and get back into life there.
On Sunday I heard a sermon about John 11, when Lazarus is raised from the dead. I was struck by the sermon because some of the pastor's comments have been so true for me over the past couple of months. Also, it made me think back to several days before my mom died. She was very sick, although at the time I had no reason to fear that she wouldn't live through it. I was praying that she would get better, saying to God "I don't understand why you don't just HEAL her! That's what you do, isn't it? She's in so much pain, can't you just take away the pain now?" And then I read John 11. I though God was saying to me "just wait...my timing is not yours. I will heal her when I'm ready." To be honest, all the way until the end I thought that God was going to miraculously heal her to show his power and draw her and us even nearer to him. "Why did you lead me to read about Lazarus' resurrection?" I asked God. "Why would you do something like that then if you never, ever do it now? And why did you heal every person who asked you to be healed when you were walking the earth, but now you don't seem to hear our prayers?"
Well, 5 months have passed, and I keep asking questions, but God has taught me a LOT, and the themes from the story of Lazarus have been very central to what I am learning.
Jesus intentionally allowed Lazarus to die because he loved them. Thats what the Bible says. As the pastor put it, Jesus was essentially saying to Mary and Martha, "I am about to do something good for you and when you see who I really am, it will cause belief." And that good thing was in the middle of their mourning their brother's death. SO how it applies to me is that in the middle of the horrible-ness of my mom's death, God has shown me himself in a way that I've never felt before. Its only when my life seems to be falling apart that I begin to really recognize my desperation for a savior. The peace and security that I can give myself, or that my family or circumstances can give me, mean absolutely nothing. They are worthless. God's peace and security are absolutely everything, and six months ago I didn't understand that as much as I do now. At least not in a tangible and personal way.
Another change that has taken place in me since March 28th is that I better understand verses in the Bible like Psalm 63:1 "My soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you. In a dry and weary land where there is no water." Some parts of this summer could definitely be described as dry and weary. And they make me long for God and seek God more than ever before. And the verse in Romans that says "All of creation is groaning as in the pains of childbirth...and we also groan inwardly as we eagerly await the redemption of our bodies" (that's the Cristi Bratt paraphrase version). I long for the day when everything will be redeemed and perfect once again. No more death or pain.... six months ago, to be honest, I didn't really think about that very much. My life was just fine as it was.
Today I heard that one of the former Meadow Greens residents, someone I talked to fairly often, passed away today. Working at an old people's home, I get to know a lot of people shortly before they move to heaven. I promise, I'm not suicidal, but I'm a little bit jealous that many of them are so close to letting go of this broken and messed up world. Their feeble bodies are just holding on, like a caterpillar's cocoon, for the last moments before they are released into life as a beautiful butterfly. Like Lazarus, coming forth from the grave. Wow, resurrection is a beautiful thing. God is so good to us.
